Creta Capitol City Players
by maryh10000
Summary: Shameless knockoff of Ember Island Players from Avatar: The Last Airbender done for FMA.


**Setting the Stage**

Roy and Riza are married and in exile in Creta six or more years after the Promised Day. Amestris is a democracy. Roy and Riza are being visited by Ed and Al, as well as their old team: Havoc, Breda, Falman, Fuery and Miles. They decide to take in a play put on by the Creta Capital City Players.

People in Creta tend to have dark hair and dark eyes. Falman, Fuery and Miles are still in the military. Everyone else is a civilian now.

Action and dialogue from the play is in italics.

**Act I**

_Ed and Al, blond and blue-eyed, stood around a circle on the floor decorated with what were meant to be alchemical symbols._

"Hey, I recognize one," said Kain. "It's the Pythagorean Theorem."

"They don't know alchemy, but at least someone's heard of geometry," said Ed.

_"Little brother, bring me the ingredients for the transmutation. Let us return our mother from the abode of the dead."_

"I don't talk like that," whispered Ed.

Roy snickered and the rest of the group hid, or didn't manage to hide, smiles. Except Al, who just shook his head.

_Al pushed in a wheelbarrow and dumped a huge pile of dirt in the middle of the circle._

"What are we transmuting, a giant?" asked Al.

_"Alas, big brother, I fear we do wrong to break this most unbreakable of taboos!"_

"At least I talk the same way you do, brother," said Al.

_"Fear not! I am thy big brother. It is impossible that we should fail!"_

"Thy?" asked Riza, lifting an eyebrow.

"Technically, it would be correct," said Vato. "'Thy' is the archaic form of 'you' used among family and intimates."

"Thanks for that, Vato," said Jean. Vato started to say "You're welcome" before he caught Kain's scowl and realized Jean was being sarcastic.

_There were flashing lights, the booming of kettle drums and the clashing of cymbals. When the smoke cleared, a solitary figure lay motionless on the ground with one empty sleeve and one empty trouser leg. A suit of armor, a reasonable likeness of the one that had held Al's soul for several years, picked it up and slung it over his shoulder like a rag doll._

_"I will save your life, big brother," he said, stomping heavily off the stage, while something red dripped from the figure._

"Hey, they left out the part where I transmuted Al's soul."

"I was wondering how they'd do the missing arm and leg before you got automail," said Jean. "That was a dummy."

"Fitting somehow," said Roy, smirking.

Ed glared.

_In the next scene, a very hangdog Ed sat in a wheelchair nearly covered with a blanket. The suit of armor stood behind him and a buxom young woman sat at a table in front of him. She had lots of grey powder in her hair and a foul smelling cigar in her mouth._

"Hey! She can't smoke that!" complained Jean. "There's no smoking here."

"Artistic license," said Roy. "Shh. They're getting to my first appearance."

"Is she supposed to be -" started Al.

_"Madame Pinako, my dear lady," said the uniformed officer who opened the door without knocking. He came up to her and kissed her hand gallantly. Den was no where to be found._

_Another officer followed him in posing dramatically, aiming her gun at the boy, the suit of armor, Pinako, and then, getting a bit carried away, at Mustang himself. She bore a reasonable resemblance to Hawkeye, down to the hair clip in the back._

"Well, we can't expect them to know my hair was short back then," Riza granted. "But I do think they could at least have learned basic gun safety."

Roy sat silently as his actor flirted with Pinako and gave fatherly advice to Ed and Al. The actor was tall, handsome and blond. This time Ed snickered.

_When Mustang and Hawkeye had gone, Pinako stubbed out her cigar on the table. "Winry!" she called, "We got automail to make."_

_A girl in overalls came in carrying an arm and a leg. She and Pinako stood in front of Ed in his wheelchair to the sounds of hammering and sawing. When they stood back, he threw off his blanket and stood up._

_"Come, little brother. We must make haste to Central City so that I may become a State Alchemist and restore your body." He strode out the door, apparently just a few minutes after Mustang and Hawkeye, followed by the suit of armor._

"Whoa, that was fast," said Ed.

"Hey Ed, what happened to 'thy'?" said Heymans. "You have a falling out with Al?"

"They got it wrong," said Vato.

"No kidding," said Ed.

"The automail is on the actor's left arm and right leg," continued Vato, unperturbed.

Roy would have laughed at that, but he was still trying to come to terms with himself as a blue-eyed blond flirting with Fullmetal's adopted grandmother.

**Intermission**

"Hey Kain," said Heymans, "do me a favor? You're on the aisle. Get me a hot dog, would ya?"

"Me too," added Jean. "But popcorn for me."

After everyone had given their order, Vato decided to go with Kain and help. He wouldn't be able to remember it all, let alone carry it by himself.

"Just like old times," said Kain, as they made their way to the concession stand. "Everyone sending us on errands. I feel like a noncom again."

"Do you mind?" asked Vato.

Kain smiled. "People tell me I have to learn to send someone else when I need something. I'm a captain but I guess I still act like a sergeant."

Vato gave his own small smile. "I honestly expected you to outrank me by now," said the major. "I still turn my head sometimes when someone says Warrant Officer."

They both laughed and when they got to the head of the line, Vato gave their order word perfect.

**Act II**

_The curtain opened on what was apparently meant to be an Amestrian staff room._

"You can tell by the Amestrian banner on the wall behind the desk," said Heymans.

_Mustang sat behind his desk, Hawkeye behind him to his right._

"Cool," said Jean. "This is going to be us. Bet I'm blue-eyed and blond."

"There's a lot of that going around," said Roy darkly.

_A lieutenant came in with a cigarette in his mouth, sat down at one of the tables and started flipping through a magazine._

"Told ya," crowed Jean.

"Whatcha reading, Hav?" asked Heymans.

Jean leaned forward. His eyes were very good but the stage was a bit too far away. "Looks like - "

_A fat actor came in, blond of course, jacket undone, eating a hot dog._

Heymans paused a moment and looked at his own hot dog. "So they know me," he replied calmly to the snickers all around.

_"Heymans, my main man," said Havoc. "Take a gander at these hooters."_

"- a girlie magazine," finished Jean. "I don't talk like that."

"I believe they are attempting to approximate your colloquial style of speech," said Vato.

"Uh, yeah," said Jean, eating a handful of popcorn.

_Breda looked over Havoc's shoulder at the magazine. "Your type, all right," was all he said and then went over to his own table._

_By the time the actor playing Fuery came in, they were not at all surprised that the dark haired dark eyed major sergeant was played by another blue-eyed blond._

"Hmm," said Kain. "I sorta hoped they'd make me taller. Ever since Ed got taller, I've been the shortest."

_The actor sat down at a table and started working on a radio._

After a moment, Kain grinned. He leaned over to Vato. "He has an earphone in the other ear. He's listening to a radio show."

When the next actor walked in, Jean said, "Way to go, Vato! At least they got your hair right."

"I'm an Ishvalan?" said Vato, surprised.

"That's not you," said Heymans. "Look - those are a Major's stars." Everyone turned to look at George Miles.

_As soon as the Ishvalan entered, Havoc put away his magazine and Breda threw his hot dog in the trash and both got to work._

"Nah, they don't know me. No way I'd trash a perfectly good hot dog."

_"Major Miles," asked Mustang. "Was your mission successful?"_

_"Yes sir," said Miles. "The imposter priest of Leto in Reole has been exposed for the fraud he is."_

Ed and Al looked at each other wordlessly.

_"Major Elric is waiting for you outside, sir."_

_"Thank you, Major. I don't know what I'd do without you," said Mustang._

Roy raised an eyebrow at George, who just shrugged.

"They forgot about you," said Kain.

Vato smiled. "I don't mind."

_Ed walked into the office. Alone._

_"I am here to report, oh Colonel of uncertain parentage," he said._

"You've gotten polite," said Roy.

Ed just watched with morbid curiousity.

_"I'm listening, shrimp."_

_Mustang and Ed got into a scuffle and Hawkeye fired a few shots at random._

Riza shook her head. "Wasting perfectly good ammunition. At least those are blanks."

_Miles stepped between the two. "Please. Remember you are both officers of Amestris."_

_The two immediately calmed down as if a switch had been flipped._

_"I regret to report that my mission to Reole was a failure," said Ed. "I barely escaped with my life."_

"I think I'm glad they left me out of this part," said Al.

Ed sat with arms crossed. His face was red and steam seemed to be coming out of his ears.

_"Never fear," said Miles. "I restored peace and truth with my Ishvalan alchemakestry."_

"What's alchemakestry?" asked Jean.

"Shh," said Heymans. "They made it up."

_For some reason, that was the signal for everyone but Mustang to leave the room. He picked up the phone._

_"Fuhrer King Bradley? Fullmetal was unable to handle the situation in Reole. Could you send in more troops?"_

The curtain fell to the audience booing and hissing Mustang.

"They have to account for it somehow," said Heymans. "We whitewashed everything Bradley did."

**Act III **

The Promised Day. There was nothing to do with the homunculi or Father, since that had all been hushed up.

Now they were all watching with morbid curiosity.

_Mustang, Hawkeye, Breda, Havoc and Fuery fought against a heroic Bradley (the first dark-haired Amestrian in the play) and Miles._

_Mustang killed Bradley, whose dying speech inspired Ed and Al to join Miles in defeating Mustang, who was led from the stage bound in ropes._

**Final Curtain**

"Did you see how I got my body back?" asked Al, the first to speak after the play was over.

"I'm not sure, but I think it had something to do with you and me and Ed all clapping our hands together," said George.

"I get why the boss and us guys were the bad guys, but why were you the hero, sir?" Jean asked Miles. "I mean, I figured that would be Ed and Al here. You weren't even with us back then."

"That's easy," said George. "They wanted an Ishvalan. Who do they know besides me and Scar?"

"Why'd they want an Ishvalan in the first place, though?" Jean went on.

"Because Amestris terrified everyone on our borders with the Ishval campaign," said Heymans. "An Ishvalan makes the perfect stand-in for everyone who's ever wanted to stand up to us."

"And I'm the perfect villain," said Roy quietly. "I'm even guilty.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

A much shortened version of this won the prompt "Comic" at FMA Fic Contest. Thanks to missyquill for suggesting a comment about wasting ammo for Riza.


End file.
